The Show Must Go On

Dust particles float lazily through the still, warm air of the study – each illuminated by a beam of afternoon sun shining through the half-closed venetians. Sitting at a simple desk is the thin frame of a young man, perhaps 22 years old, scratching away with a pencil and paper, laser focused. A well-loved acoustic guitar sits on its stand beside him. A second desk, larger and more thoroughly covered in knickknacks, devices, and copious numbers of books, stands against the adjacent wall, otherwise similarly decorated.

The rustle of paper, balled up in piles at his feet, grate against Cody’s ears as he throws yet another ‘draft’ over his shoulder.

‘Come on, Cody,’ he tells himself, brushing his messy black curls aside for the thousandth time, ‘You’ve nearly got this now.’

But … did he? What if it was all a fluke? Was he good enough to perform tomorrow, or was he just getting a free ride?

He shakes his head. Picking up his guitar to try something else, he begins to sing.

Before you know it's happening,

His eyes are downcast, spiralling.

And now he's scratching absently,

At the leg of his blue jeans.

The handle turns, and Cody jumps, grinding his flow to a halt. Entering the room is a tall figure in their early-to-mid-twenties – long, blonde hair tied in a high, messy bun. They wear a plain button-up shirt under an apron.

‘Hey babe,’ they say, rather flatly.

‘You’re home!’

Austin gives a wry grin. ‘Weeell, you could be hallucinating.’

Cody smiles back. ‘I suppooooose that’s trueee,’ he says, slinking out of his chair with a cacophony of rustling paper, ‘Maybe I’ll just have to make sure.’

Wrapping his hands around the back of Austin’s neck, Cody pulls them in close, inhaling deeply.

‘Who did I sell my soul to to get a boyfriend who comes home from work smelling like fresh coffee?’ he blissfully wonders to himself, before pulling Aus in for a brief kiss.

‘Seems real enough to me,’ Cody smiles.

‘Drats, foiled again,’ Aus says, dripping with sarcasm.

They both laugh, then Cody makes his way back to his desk.

‘Whatcha’ working on?’

Cody feels a familiar mix of dread and hope settle into his stomach.

‘A new song… You wanna read it?’

‘Absolutely.’

Aus skims through the lyrics.

‘I love it.’

Cody’s stomach unties itself a little. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, reminds me of what I’ve seen when you’ve been anxious before. You’ve captured it perfectly as far as I can tell. Plus, it feels like a sneak peek inside your mind.’

Cody brightens at that. ‘Naww, cutie.’

‘Any idea on the melody yet?’

Cody’s brightened attitude is short-lived. ‘Still working on it.’

‘You want a hand? I’ll grab my keyboard.’

‘Nah, thanks babe, I got this.’

‘Okie-dokie, suit yourself,’ they say, teasing, ‘Any idea what you wanna sing at Colin’s on Saturday? I’m so excited for your first show.’

‘Well, that’s why I’m writing this, dummy. I wanna sing something new.’

‘Wait, you’re writing a brand-new piece now? Hon, you’ve got like, a day to have it done. You sure you don’t wanna just sing something you’ve already written, or maybe a cover?’

That pit in Cody’s stomach opens like a maw again and he shrinks back into his chair. They don’t believe in him. They don’t think he can do it. Of course he can do it! How dare they doubt him?

‘Yes, actually, I am sure.’

‘… Okay then… You sure you don’t want me to grab my keyboard?’

The knot tightens.

‘Aus, could you please just butt out? I got this. This is my song. I don’t need help.’

‘Oh… uh, okay. Just trying to be supportive.’

‘I know.’

Though it wasn’t said, it was clear what Cody meant from his tone: ‘I know… just please stay out of it.’

‘Okay, well… If you need something ju-’

‘Yep, just let you know. I got it. Can I have some space now please?’

Aus nods, then turns away, crestfallen.

~~~~~

Austin tosses and turns through the night. One might think it had something to do with the storm brewing in the distance, but if you could hear the voices echoing in their mind, you’d know better.

Cody’s voice is the clearest. ‘I know, just… please stay out of it.’

Not the loudest, however. ‘Just stay out of it!’

Cameron’s voice reverberates around Austin’s head like a drumbeat.

‘I’m sorry…’ they mutter aloud.

‘Ugh, you’re so overbearing, you know that’

Aus’s restless form recoils a little, anticipating what they know to come next.

~~~~~

Cody sits in the middle of the study in front of a music stand. He is dishevelled, with dark circles looming under his eyes. Cody strums on his guitar, singing the bridge.

Then you'd see the spark fading from his eyes,

And you would mourn the light - more lost each time he cries…

A chord strum strikes uncomfortably with the melody, and Cody cringes. With a huff, he casts his guitar aside, barely bothering to place it on its stand. He rubs his eyes and rests his head in his hands.

‘What is wrong with me? I can do better than this!’

‘Can you? You clearly aren’t. Maybe they were right.’

Cody’s foot starts to bounce anxiously before he pulls himself back and takes a deep breath, stilling himself. ‘No, Cody, you got this. You just need to focus.’

At that moment, the door handle turns, and Austin enters, still in their pyjamas.

‘Hey you,’ they say, cheery, ‘Sorry I overslept. Have you eaten?’

Cody gestures behind him to a plate of crumbs and an empty coffee mug on his desk.

‘Yeah, I had some toast.’

‘You should have woken me up! It's Saturday!’

‘I am capable of taking care of myself, you know?’

Austin loses their bright and cheery demeanour and seems to withdraw at Cody's coldness.

‘I know,’ they manage, ‘I just... I like our Saturday morning pancakes.’

They trail off. There is an awkward pause before they continue. ‘Can I... get you anything? Another coffee? Have you slept?’

‘I'm fine.’

Aus looks down at the floor and begins absently scratching at their pyjama bottoms. Cody, who was focusing on his music stand, briefly looks at them, as though waiting for them to go.

Austin moves to grab the dirty dishes from Cody's desk. ‘Alright, I'll just get rid of these for you.’

Cody almost snaps at them. ‘Just go. I can clean up after myself too.’

Austin stops. ‘Right... Sorry.’

The two make eye contact for a second before Austin lowers their gaze, then leaves, shutting the door. Cody lets out a sigh of relief and releases a white-knuckled grip on his own leg he didn’t even know he was holding.

~~~~~

Aus returns to the bedroom, perching uncomfortably on the foot of the bed, ignoring the storm clouds as they eclipse the setting sun.

God they were such an idiot. Everything they said just annoyed him. This was just like last time…

‘Ugh, you’re so overbearing…’

Cam’s voice fades into Cody’s mid-sentence.

‘… You know that?’

Ben speaks again. ‘I can’t take this anymore.’

Then Cody. ‘I just…’

Ben’s shout intermingles with Cody. ‘Just stay out of it!’

Aus hears Cody’s word from moments ago once more. ‘Just go, I can-’

Ben’s voice interrupts Cody’s. ‘Just go! I can’t do this anymore!’

Austin's head is spinning and the still, warm air of the bedroom is stifling. They need air.

Sliding open the glass door to the balcony, they get what they want ... and nearly lose their footing to the gale. The fresh, static scent of ozone shatters the hazy afternoon calm. Anchoring themself, Aus strides against the wind and out into the coming maelstrom. They lean on the cool metal railing, face into the wind, letting their long blonde hair dance and whip behind them.

For a time, their mind is cleared, like a brisk knife has wiped the slate clean. They watch as, across the city, dark clouds roil and thunder, and they marvel at the force of nature. Their attention is only held so long however, as the clarity fades, and drops of water began to adorn their cheeks, shining like sapphires in the afternoon sun. Some are fresh, most sting of salt.

~~~~~

In the office, Cody continues his attempts to land a solid melody.

Before you know it's happening,

His eyes are downcast, spiralling.

A sudden flash of Austin’s face falling – their gaze dropping to the floor – strikes Cody’s thoughts. He ignores it.

And now he's scratching absently,

At the leg of his blue jeans.

A second flash, as he remembers how Aus had scratched at his thigh when they spoke before. He brushes it off, focussing.

Then you'd see the spark fading from his eyes,

And you would mourn the light - more lost each time he cries…

This time, Cody strikes the correct chord, but holds it, as though stung by it. Cody is struck by a final flash of Austin, looking back at him in silence. They look… scared.

A look of horrified realisation descends upon Cody’s face.

‘God, I’ve been my own worst nightmare.’

He casts his guitar aside and bolts for the door, then down the hall.

A moment of panic crosses Cody’s mind as he reaches the bedroom and registers the open glass door, but then he spies Aus.

‘Austin?’ he calls over the wind.

Aus jumps a little, then turns, forcing a smile. ‘Y-yeah, babe?’

Despite their best attempts, their red face and eyes are clear enough.

‘Fuck… I made them cry…’

Cody crosses the room to tug Aus into a nearly suffocating embrace.

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘What, why?’

Cody holds back his own tears now. ‘Because I hurt you!’

‘But it's not your fault! I was too pushy.’

‘What? No. Of course it's my fault. You've been nothing but supportive. I pushed you away and treated you like garbage. I thought I was proving something. I was just being an idiot.’

‘But you... I mean, it's ok to want space, or to need to prove something to yourself. You didn't mean to-’

‘It doesn't matter. I hurt you. You're the only person who's ever believed in me - believed I could make it - I never needed to prove it to you.’

‘But ... your anxiety... This wasn't your fault. I can be too much for people, I kn-’

Austin is cut off as Cody squeezes them too tightly for words.

‘Oh shut up you idiot. You're never too much for me.’

Aus, now also shocked into silence, eventually manages a whisper.

‘… You promise?’

‘I promise.’

Austin pauses, considering this for a time as each clings to the other. The tears begin to slow. Both speak in a hushed tone now.

‘Can you promise me one more thing?’ Aus asks, voice wavering.

‘And what's that?’

Cosy’s voice is so gentle – so reassuring. Aus draws him in even closer.

‘Promise me you'll remember… getting help isn’t weak. I never thought you couldn't do it. I just wanted to help, because I love you, and I know... I know what it’s like to be anxious.’

‘But... I don't wanna be a burden...’

‘I wouldn't help if I didn't want to.’

Cody looks unconvinced.

‘Would you go through hell and back for me?’ Aus asks.

‘In a heartbeat.’

‘And does that feel like a burden?’

‘... Never.’

‘Then there's your answer. It’s not a burden, It's a promise.’

Cody's eyes well up again, before he pulls Austin in for a long kiss. When he finally lets go, there is a beat.

‘Ok, I'll remember... I promise.’

‘Well, I guess I’ll have to sing something else tonight, huh?’ Cody eventually says, realising the time.

Aus gently pulls out of the embrace and looks him in the eye with a smile. ‘I might have an idea. We still have a couple of hours.’

~~~~~

Colin’s bar, a hotspot for Fitzroy’s nightlife, is packed, as is usual on a Saturday night. The mood shifts throughout the evening as various performers bring varying vibes to the venue, but the stage is always the focus. Several local drag queens are finishing their act as Colin steps out onto the stage, thanking them.

‘One more big round of applause for our Queens, Tripleeeeee Threat!’

Cheers come from every table in the place.

‘Alright! I know you’ve been waiting for it. Now is the time for our customary new artist spot of the evening. Our latest, and maybe our greatest, guest is a local artist ready to reach for the stars. Let’s give a warm welcome to the one, the only, it’s Coooooody Morrison!’

The lights come up on a young man, sitting calmly on a stool with his guitar in hand. He looks vaguely like a deer in the headlights for a moment, frozen in place, but from behind him, just off-stage, a gentle piano melody begins. It seems to snap him out of it.

‘Uh, hi … everyone. Thanks, Colin, for having me on… I call this one The Promise.’

He brings up his guitar and joins the piano, comfortably taking the lead. His voice, soft and haunting, comes next and captures the crowd. The bar grows quiet as he sings.

His performance could win the crowd’s favour alone - deep down, Cody knows that - but with those simple keys working quietly in the background - keeping him on beat, keeping him in key, keeping him steady - everything just feels a bit more… whole.